Have you Googled yourself yet? Can anyone resist? If you haven’t had the pleasure, here’s how:

Go to Google.com, type your name in quotation marks, and see what comes up.

A lot depends on how common your name is (like John Smith). I tend to get references to nobility (that’s the Lord part), and the genealogy citations are many. But sure enough, there’s my house in Maine (I rent it during the summer from an Internet ad) and stained glass courses that my husband Drew and I have taught. When I add my middle initial B, then the references are pure cyber romance. Yea!

Drew’s name gets his scientific publications. If I had googled him when we were courting, I would not have made the embarrassing gaff of bragging about my publications (2). He had me beat hands down. But also, that Google search would have added to his credibility, because he is cited over and over as a scientist and connected with the Army Corps of Engineers. I would have been reassured.

But what if other connections had come up? Somebody with my name is a personnel expert. Also, it sounds as if my name is common in England. Maybe there is worse, buried under my name in the Net.

Seems like it is a good idea to be aware of what comes up if your name is Googled, sort of like keeping track of your credit report. If something negative comes up under your name and it’s not you, you need to know that and be able to explain it to another. If it’s not so good and IS you, you need to know and explain that, too.

While visiting some of my older relatives recently, they were quite interested in being Googled. My favorite uncle, who has an unusual spelling of his last name, shares that spelling with a rather well known gay porn star. Or at least, we assume the gay porn star and my uncle are not the same guy. The porn star does sound like he has some rather amazing physical attributes. That’s the kind of Google citations associated with your name that it is good to know about!

There seems to be some embarrassment associated with Googling a prospective date or partner, but I can’t see why that would be so. Unless it appears being a little too interested, like “I can’t be bothered to check credentials, even though I have an easy way to do so. This person just doesn’t matter that much to me.” Why would you want to convey that message?

Especially if you are using the Internet for a mate search, it only makes good sense that you would use one of CyberSpace’s best tools to help you make a safe and secure match.

But it also points out the need to keep one’s cyber nose clean. It follows that if you are doing something that you wouldn’t want anyone to know that you are doing, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.

So Google away!

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

About The Author

Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach Helping singles find someone wonderful! eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” 4870 Oak Ridge Road, Vicksburg, MS 39183 / Ph. 601-619-0030

Stay current with my complimentary enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* Subscribe at http://find-a-sweetheart.com/newsletter.html

www.Find-A-Sweetheart.com / Kathryn@Find-A-Sweetheart.com

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There is nothing to compare to the wonder and magic that a child experiences at Christmas. When my sons were small, there were many such moments. The look of awe on their faces the first time they spied the brightly lit tree surrounded with presents, their first gingerbread house and cookie day, to name a few.

Thankfully, the last several years I have experienced more such moments with my grandchildren. However, this is “the best Christmas ever”, according to my granddaughter, Emily. Emily is four years old. She has a love for all things Christmas.

This year Emily was a big girl and able to help me with Christmas. She helped me to fetch and carry and place our treasures around the house. She was a perfectionist and tireless when it came to the placement of ornaments on the tree. Little did I expect that a, slightly worse for wear, sprig of green taken from the boxes would become a priceless Christmas moment. Our conversation, on discovering it , went something like this:

“What’s that, Gram?”

“Mistletoe.”

“What’s that for?”

“We hang it in a doorway and when you stand underneath it , someone has to kiss you.”

Her eyes lit up to rival the lights on the tree.

“They have to kiss you?”

“Yup.”

The minute the mistletoe was hung, she took me at my word. She raced to stand under it and looked at me expectantly. Of course, she got her kiss then and for about every twenty minutes thereafter, for the rest of the day. When her father came to pick her up, that night, we heard a little sing-song voice coming from the direction of the hallway.

“I’m standing under the mistletoe.”

“What’s she doing?”

“She’s standing under the mistletoe. You need to go kiss her, daddy.”

“Oh! Okay. I’m coming Emily.”

Since then Emily and the mistletoe have become a regular part of every visit. Even her ten year old brother, Michael , has learned the power of the mistletoe. While he is much too mature to call out his location, when it is time for goodbye kisses, you will find him waiting under the mistletoe.

At our last family gathering, on hearing the now familiar, “I’m standing under the mistletoe”, several voices answered in unison, “I’m coming Emily” and headed for the hallway. I think Emily may be right. This may be, ” the best Christmas ever”!

About The Author

Constance Weygandt is an author, speaker and balance mentor. For more information on the holidays or to receive her newsletter, visit her website at http://www.balancedwellnessonline.com.

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I have written a few tips and guidelines to help you decide if you are making the right choice when it comes to divorce. This list is just a few key points that I think will help you. The list is not meant to be a complete list of all the steps you need to take, but will give you “food for thought”.

1. Is your partner/spouse abusive? If your signifigant other has abused you in the past, they probably will do so again in the future. If you are in a situation where you continue to be abused you need to GET OUT IMMEDIATELY! Abuse usually get’s worse over time. Even though it may be difficult to leave, there are many resources and support systems for batered people.

2. Has your partner cheated on you? For some people this is unforgiveable. If your partner has cheated on you you need to decide if you will be able to forgive them or not. Be honest with yourself. If you know in your heart of hearts that you will never be able to forgive them - you need to end the relationship.

3. Does your partner make more money than you? Perhaps you would have a better life if you left. If your partner makes more money than you, chances are you’ll get a nice alimony (and child support if you have kids) - when you combine that with your own salary you could have a better life. There are some secrets to getting more money from your divorce and also saving on the costs. If you want to be ruthless and get everything you can from your divorce you will have to find the right Divorce Method.

4. Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself “Am I happy in my relationship?” If you are happy, then great! If you’re not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself “Can I forsee myself ever being happy in this relationship?” If you can see yourself being happy if some small changes are made, then it might be worth your effort to get marital counselling. I want to mention here that the small changes must come from inside you. You do not have the power to change anyone else (including your spouse). If can’t see yourself EVER being happy you should probably get out of the relationship.

5. Is there anything wrong with Divorce? This is a moral decision you need to decide for YOURSELF. When people are confronted with the possiblity of divorce, they usually think about how other people will judge them morally if they get divorced. You need to decide for yourself. Forget about what your parents, priest, minister, rabbi, friends, co-workers, etc.. think about the moral decision for divorce. Take the time to think to yourself “Based on my experiences in my life, Would it be morally ‘wrong’ to get divorced?” This may be a hard decision for you to make, but you need to make it. You should not do something that you believe is morally wrong. You also shouldn’t be obligated to not do something that you want to do if you think it is morally acceptable.

I hope these 5 points have given you some resources that you can decide if you need to get divorced or not. The decision to divorce is never easy, but you do have options. You need to be able to look at your life as whole and decide if it is good or bad. You also need to look at every possible aspect of your relationship with your spouse and see if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes your judgement is clouded when you only focus on the good or only on the bad. The bottom line is to do what you need to do to have a more fulfilling and happy life.

Good Luck in Life,

Kyle Chambers

About The Author

Kyle Chambers is a specialist at getting the most financially and mentally out of your divorce. Hundreds of people have already benefitted by little-known tricks in getting more money, custody rights, and just about everything else you want from your divorce. To get the most out of your divorce go to http://www.DivorceMethod.com

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According to B.C. Forbes, "Jealousy…is a mental cancer." It spreads quickly and can be fatal to a marriage. Once it gets a foothold, the jealous spouse becomes even more jealous, often over insignificant things. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield captures what happens in these remarks: "My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

You’re more prone to jealousy and envy when you are feeling insecure and fearful. Several years into my first marriage, I remember feeling unusually jealous of a woman that my husband worked with. The co-worker had dark, sultry looks, long flowing hair, and a figure that drove males wild. As if that wasn’t enough, she was also funny and outgoing, with great communication and social skills. At office parties, the husbands could be found circled around her, competing for her attention.

At the time, I was too embarrassed to tell my husband that I had been ambushed by such intense envy. Eventually, the co-worker moved on to another company, but I still vividly remember how much I wanted to be like her and how depressed I felt each time I compared my attributes to hers.

"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self," states Joan Didion. Jealousy brings out the worst in us and causes us to resent someone else for having what we think we don’t have-looks, charm, money, prestige, romance, charisma, success. When we’re jealous, whatever measuring stick we use makes us feel lacking and "less than."

Fear is also involved when we feel jealous-fear that we’ll never have what the other person has, fear that we’re not as good as someone else, fear of losing our spouse to another, fear that we’re not attractive or desired, and fear of being ridiculed. Joseph Addison defines jealousy as "…that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves." When we’re jealous, we feel insecure and lack self-esteem.

A counseling client once shared that he was being torn apart by jealousy. Whenever his wife was even a few minutes late, he visualized her stopping to flirt with someone in the grocery store or became convinced that she was using the time to secretly call another man. His rational mind knew that there was nothing to base these anxieties on, that his wife loved him and had never betrayed his trust. But he was unable to stop his "worst scenario" fantasies.

As we dug deeper into his past experiences, it turned out that his first long-term girlfriend in college had secretly cheated on him with a close friend of his. Thus, he was transferring his fears from the previous experience onto his wife. He became extremely jealous and afraid that he was going to lose her in the same way. Ironically, the marriage had become so unbearable for his wife that she did eventually turn her affections toward someone else. The client’s inability to control his jealousy brought about the very thing he was afraid would happen. By the time he finally came for counseling, his obsessive jealousy had already killed the marriage.

For a marriage to be healthy, there has to be trust, and jealousy undermines that trust. The following seven tips can help you to keep jealousy from undermining your relationship with your spouse:

1. When you first notice that you’re feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear that you don’t measure up? Your own insecurities about not feeling successful or attractive enough? When insecurities or fears are activated, you’re more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship.

2. Instead of focusing on the behavior that you want your spouse to stop so that you won’t feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, "My wife shouldn’t be flirting with him like that," or "My husband will probably leave me for someone else one day"? You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the situation.

3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Did a spouse in your first marriage betray you? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely that you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present spouse. Try to keep the past separate from the present.

4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you’re upset about. Your list might read, "My wife talked to a handsome bachelor that she had just met when we were at our friend’s party. She smiled and laughed and looked like she was having a good time." So the objective list of behaviors includes talking, smiling, laughing, and looking like she was having a good time-not exactly unusual party behavior.

5. Stay rooted in the present moment, and reel in your imagination before it runs away with you. You don’t want to damage your relationship by accusing your spouse of something he or she didn’t do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your marriage, if you routinely accuse your spouse of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you’re zeroing in on.

6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) "I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. In fact, if I’m really honest, I was starting to feel slightly jealous, and I don’t like that feeling. I really need to talk about this with you." or B) "I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you’re nothing but a tramp." Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion.

7. Remind yourself that your spouse chose you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember that confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy, as if you need constant reassurance of your spouse’s commitment. Repeat to yourself, "My wife (or husband) loves me and chose me to spend her life with. I’m lucky to have such a personable, attractive spouse who loves me."

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

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There are moments in our past that shape our vision. Going through my childhood photo albums, I catch a glimpse of Anna in the early grades, a quiet girl who, if she were still alive, does not know how even in grade 4, she was pointing the way to freedom of expression. There is a lesson here that comes in handy for parents and grandparents.

I have often wondered if Anna’s life might have taken a different turn had she lived her early grades in the sixties when the ballpoint pen, replacing the fountain pen, dispensed with the use of ink blotters in school. Children of the fifties, we learnt writing the hard way—with steel-nibbed pens which we dipped in ink pots and which invariably turned the writing experience into a mud-bath. It took us months to learn the art of compromise: speed meant accidental globs and splotches; if you really wanted to save time, you would be far wiser to play the tortoise.

But Anna was no turtle. Her mind moved faster than light; she was figuring a way to Bali when we were still stuck in the grade 3 reader; in the fourth grade, when those of us with older siblings were all agog over Elvis, she could find nothing more passionate than Japanese prints.

I remember Sister Mary Michael, the composition teacher in grade 4, who told us that writing was an act of God and that the true writer would find his share of godliness in the holy trinity of pen, paper and blotter. Of the three, the blotter was the most indispensable. “Why?” we asked. “Good writing depends on the way you control the ink.” There was much else that needed to be controlled as well, according to Sister Mary Michael. Reading Anna’s essay on why she liked chocolates, Sister became very still and angular. She peered down at the child, her eyes blue and hard above her spectacles. “Too many adjectives,” she snapped. “Too many words!”

When Anna looked at her, unmoved, Sister retrieved her pen. The nib drew a fast, thin line over Anna’s script; the blotter followed; there came more red lines, more words slashed away.

I watched Anna after she returned to her desk. She began writing, dabbing the blotter after her pen in true Sister Mary Michael fashion. For a while, it seemed as though Anna had learnt her lesson. But when I peered more closely over her shoulder, I noticed that it was the blotter that was absorbing her interest. She had dribbled a spot on the top right-hand corner of the sheet; she stuck the nib in the center of the spot and watched the darkness grow; a few details with the nib and the blotch became a piece of chocolate, its center dissolving into a hole. Fascinated, I watched her work more blotches on the absorbent paper and more dabs until the entire blotter turned into a kind of chocolate swiss-cheese.

Out of her desk came more blotter sheets. Instead of holes, she made lines this time, dark molasses lines dribbled and dripped almost spider fashion from one corner to the next; she paused just long enough to thicken the middle stretch without breaking the flow until the entire sheet became criss-crossed with tubes of varying lengths and widths and the blotter sat on her desk like a chocolate web.

It was an early version of blotter art, so distinctive it made your hair stand on end. But Sister Mary Michael could not quite see that.

“What on earth are you doing?” she asked, appalled, staring at the blotters on Anna’s desk. The girl held up her last completed sheet; it was a masterpiece, composed entirely of lines, thick and thin, straight and wavy radiating from a field of chocolate centers, such that when you looked at the whole, you could feel a shift in balance, as though you were being absorbed into the thick of things.

“Young lady,” said Sister, breaking the silence. “Do you think that God intended us to use blotters in this fashion?” Anna’s face dropped. “Do you think that God would have approved of this?”

“No,” said Anna eventually.

“Why not ?”

“I don’t think he likes chocolates.”

Anna left school after grade 6. We did not keep in touch and I had almost forgotten her until years later, when I flipped through a huge and glossy “History of Modern Art” and was stopped mid-track by Jackson Pollock; there was in his work inescapable shades of Anna’s blotter.

Expressionism—they called it.

Somehow, I felt vindicated.

Copyright 2005 Mary Desaulniers

About The Author

Mary Desaulniers

A runner for 27 years, retired schoolteacher and writer, Mary is now doing what she loves–running,writing,helping people reclaim their bodies. Nutrition, exercise, positive vision and purposeful engagement are the tools used to turn their bodies into creative selves. You can subscribe to Mary’s newsletter by contacting her at http://www.GreatBodyafter50secrets.com or visit her at http://www.GreatBodyat50.com.

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Many people I work with in therapy or in my writing-as-healing classes discover stories that surprise them—stories about the mistakes they felt their parents made, power imbalances in the family, or stories about physical or sexual abuse. The darker stories are often a surprise: when writers sat down to write, those issues were not directly on their minds, but deep, revealing stories erupted from the pen. Though they were unexpected, for some they were a relief. People who have been in therapy have had the same kind of experience—the subject matter in the forefront of the mind is not the material that “accidentally” arises during the session. The therapy session begins with a particular subject in the present—for example dissatisfaction at work or trouble in a relationship, but often travels back in time with associations to parents, school, or past relationships.

It has become a cliché to talk about “dysfunctional” relationships and families, but most people do not have perfect families, and many have had to struggle with a range of problems—alcoholism, abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional, eating disorders, and depression, to name a few. No one likes to be reminded of the past but when it keeps coming up, we are pushed to learn new responses as we search for more peace and positivity in our lives.

The past is not dead—it’s not even past. -William Faulkner

Different kinds of abandonment

For people who have been abandoned, either literally by actual physical absence, or emotionally—a parent can be in the home and not there for us—the abandoned child syndrome may remain years later, showing up through insecurities and fears, clinging behaviors or its opposite—walls to intimacy. The abandoned child inside the adult can create havoc such as alcohol abuse, repeating their own abandonment by abandoning children, or refusal to have children out of fear of repetition. Depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, and trying to fill up the emptiness may be manifestations of these issues.

When the abandoned child is feeling its pain and loss, the rest of the adult person is unable to find emotional balance. New skills are needed to help sort out the confusion, and to create new, healthier patterns. Part of the healing may include grieving and anger, as those repressed feelings are released. But it is equally important to look at strengths: how well you are doing and what you want to contribute to the world as well as the positive side of parents and caretakers. Most people do the best they can.

Healing is a process of peeling the onion, so to speak. Revealing one layer after another, with time for rest and integration, leads to inner peace, resolution, and forgiveness.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Write about parallels between the past and the present. Become more aware of old patterns finding their way into your current life.

2. List all the ways you feel you were abandoned. Don’t worry if the list doesn’t make logical sense or is too long or short. Just write what you feel and remember.

3. Look at photographs of you and your family from those time periods as a way to help you remember details. Becoming more aware of the past can help you sort issues in the present.

4. Write an “unsent letter”—do not send it!—to your mother, telling her all the ways you appreciated her.

5. Now write an “unsent letter” listing the ways she let you down. DO NOT send unsent letters in the exercise—these are just ways for you to help yourself to heal.

Do the same for your father.

1. Write about your intentions for today, this week—what do you want to change? What are you goals in your life now?

2. What are you doing well now, and how is it different and better than what you or your family might have done in the past?

3. What are your strengths? Name 10 things your friends would say are your best traits.

4. Write about how you are your best friend. How you take care of yourself and like yourself.

About The Author

Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers.

You can visit her web site at: http://www.lindajoymyers.com.

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But there are some general guidelines that you can consider if you’re in this situation. Use these thirteen tips to reflect on your marriage, your energy level, your commitment, and the degree of your dissatisfaction.

1.Don’t give up prematurely. You have invested time, energy, money, hopes and dreams in your marriage. The only way many people can initiate divorce without feeling unduly guilty is to know that they have tried everything they possibly could to make the marriage better. It just makes good sense to focus on how you can improve the relationship you’re in now.

2.Consider your children and how a divorce could impact them. Divorce is never easy. Preschool children and kids who are still in school will be affected in ways grown children are not, such as possible changes in schools if a parent moves, a parent possibly having to work two jobs to make it financially, the loss of daily contact with both parents, etc.

3.If your spouse has an addiction or is abusive, utilize all resources and support groups that offer help. For example, If your spouse is an alcoholic, join Al-Anon, which provides support for family members, and get your teenage children involved in Alateen so they can get the support they need to deal with the home situation. Of course, a top priority is keeping your children safe, so do not keep them in any situation that is dangerous for them.

4.Focus on how you can change yourself to be a better partner instead of how you want to "fix" your spouse. When you work on improving yourself and changing non-productive habits and approaches, then your spouse will have to relate to you differently. You may have gotten in a habitual mode of pushing each other’s buttons in the same way and always eliciting the same response. But if you change your normal response, then the interaction between the two of you will change.

5.Have on-going support from a counselor who knows your issues and what you are going through. This will give you the help and encouragement you need to keep trying new things and experimenting with new approaches.

6.Encourage your spouse to consider marriage counseling. If he or she is resistant, use the techniques detailed in the special report, "How to Motivate Your Spouse to Talk to a Marriage Counselor (Even When Reluctant, Resistant, and Unwilling"). These techniques have been used successfully by numerous spouses. Report is available at http://www.keepyourmarriage.com/Special_Reports/Report_sale.htm.

7.Examine whether or not you are depending too much on your spouse to meet your needs or "make you happy." No one else can make you happy; it’s an inside job. And no one person can meet all the needs of another. That’s why you need friends, hobbies, and outside activities. Expand your world and see if this takes some of the pressure off of your marriage.

8.Keep a gratitude journal each day, listing all of the things you are thankful for in your life. Each day, try to find five or six new things to list that you haven’t written down before. During the day, notice what happens that’s a blessing: the friendly sales clerk who efficiently handles your refund with a smile, the parking space that suddenly opens up just when you need it, or an unexpected compliment from a co-worker.

9.Make a list of your spouse’s positive qualities and contributions to your marriage, including things he or she has done that you appreciate. Read over this list every morning and every evening, anchoring these good points in your mind. At some point, share your list with your spouse.

10.Make a consistent effort to be positive and encouraging. Sandwich any criticism or request for a change in behavior between two compliments. For example, "You’re always so responsible about mowing the yard each weekend. Could you also sweep the grass clippings off the sidewalk? Thanks for all you do to help keep the yard looking so good."

11.Work on keeping your heart open in love to your spouse. It’s easy to close down emotionally when you’re angry or hurt. Visualize beams of love or golden light radiating out from your heart to your spouse’s heart. You can dislike the behavior but still love the person. When you send the energy of judgment and criticism to another, the response will be very different than when you send the energy of unconditional love.

12.Try writing your thoughts, feelings, and requests in a letter to your spouse. There are many spouses who have responded positively to a letter who have been notorious for tuning out the spouse’s verbal pleas for years. It’s a different medium of communication, and it often commands more attention.

13.When you have given your marriage your best efforts for at least a year and nothing has changed, then ask yourself the famous Ann Landers question, "Are you better off with him (or her) or without him?" Life is too short to stay stuck in a miserable marriage for years if you are the only one who wants your relationship to be different. Even at this point, though, sometimes the shock of having a spouse initiate a legal separation makes the other partner finally realize the seriousness of the situation and agree to work on the marriage.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

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Everyone — and that included YOU! — wants to know: “Does Internet Dating Work?”

Well, I KNOW it works, and in the best possible way, because I met my husband Drew on Match.com in May 1998. And I know others who have met their True Love that way, too. (I’m collecting stories of Internet True Romance, if you know of a couple that met that way — email me at Kathryn@Find-A-Sweetheart.com and tell me all about it!)

But what about for you? Will it work for YOU???

No one wants to get their hopes up and then be disappointed, do they? If this is “not going to work,” then why try?

Sounds like a good reason not to do anything, doesn’t it? Because even though CyberDating most definitely worked for me, I can’t guarantee that it will “work” for you. Too many variables, the biggest of which is you — your own fears and how far you are willing to go.

Let’s look at this question from a more logical place.

What have you been doing, other than posting on an Internet Dating site, about finding a mate? And how is that working for you?

Either you have been doing something (singles events, let’s say, or trying to let others know that you are interested) or you have been doing nothing. “Something” is more likely to have results than “nothing,” but neither have “worked” in that you haven’t gotten a mate yet, or you wouldn’t be asking the question “Does Internet dating work?”

So let’s redefine “work.” What Internet dating does better than any other method I know is that it exposes you to a very large group of other singles and helps you sort them into the likeliest category for potential partnerhood with you. How well does “doing nothing” compare with that? For that matter, how well does “doing something” other than Internet dating compare?

I’ve had clients who loudly complain that Internet dating is not working for them, when they have, at the same time, been carrying on several correspondences with possible mate candidates and have met and screened several others, all in a few weeks’ time. How can they say that Internet dating does not work???

I can’t answer the question “Does Internet dating work?” ANY other way than with a resounding “YES!!!” It works by getting you the best possible exposure to the most potential partners.

Now what you DO with that exposure is up to you — that’s where your “work” comes in. Many, many factors come into play — your relative receptiveness to a new relationship, the kind of barriers you may put in the way, your skills or the lack of them in presenting yourself and relating to other. All those and more are part of the “work” that needs to happen to transform potential mates into actual ones.

And that’s YOUR “work” — so the question becomes “Can I do the work that needs to happen to find a mate and develop a lasting relationship?”

That’s the RIGHT question. It’s a big one, and if you have been long frustrated in your efforts, maybe getting a Romance Coach could help.

Getting a Romance Coach is unlikely to make your situation worse. And who knows? It just might work!

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

About The Author

Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach Helping singles find someone wonderful! eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” 4870 Oak Ridge Road, Vicksburg, MS 39183 / Ph. 601-619-0030

Stay current with my complimentary enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* Subscribe at http://find-a-sweetheart.com/newsletter.html

www.Find-A-Sweetheart.com / Kathryn@Find-A-Sweetheart.com

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The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. “I’m sick of choosing guys who aren’t there for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don’t care after all. I can’t stand this. Why do I do this over and over?”

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out right—to find someone who will finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be what you experience all over again.

For instance, most women involved in relationships where there is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling comes over you—“I have been here before,” says the voice inside your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It’s not déjà vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past.

There is good news about all this: You can change these old patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done.

How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now:

1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past patterns. Become aware of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on now that reinforces that feeling?

2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write down these patterns, as you can be objective about them if you see them on the page.

3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years old; 12. What was life like in your household? Who was there connecting with you, and how?

4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying particular attention to feelings. Sometimes the action is different but the feeling is the same.

5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better before getting involved. Spend time to find out how he treats you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no. How you are treated at the beginning of a relationship when you are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on.

6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find out more before getting too involved.

7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns, concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later. This documentation may clear up any future confusion about reality.

About The Author

Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers.

You can visit her web site at: http://www.lindajoymyers.com.

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